Phyllis Diller Biography
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Phyllis Diller Famous Quotes

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

~ Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

~ Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

~ Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

~ Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

~ Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

~ Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

~ Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

~ Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

~ Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

~ Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

~ Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

~ Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

~ Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

~ Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

~ Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

~ Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

~ Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

~ Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

~ Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

~ Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

~ Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

~ Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

~ Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

~ Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

~ Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

~ Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

~ Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

~ Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

~ Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

~ Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

~ Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

~ Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

~ Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

~ Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

~ Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

~ Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

~ Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller Biography

Phyllis Diller Famous Quotes